Is Your Child Ready for Unsupervised Activities?

As the weather gets warmer, kids are starting to hang out more in our neighborhoods, malls, movie theaters, restaurants and other gathering places.  That creates a huge dilemma for parents: What is the appropriate age for kids to get dropped off at these locations and remain there ─ unsupervised ─ for hours at a time?

 

“Age appropriate” expectations vary.  What level of responsibility can you give a child in upper elementary or middle school?   We’re primarily talking about 11- to 13-year-olds.  You’ve probably seen it often; parents dropping off young kids at the movies or the mall.  Responsible kids usually remain responsible in this situation.  But the temptation is always there to do something wrong ─ perhaps on a dare ─ or take the opportunity to go to another location that’s prohibited by their parents.  We’ve all heard the stories.  A girl tells her parents she’s going to a movie with her girlfriends, but once they’re dropped off they meet up with a group of boys and hang out.  Then they return to the theater and ask departing movie-goers for their ticket stubs to be used as “proof” that they indeed saw the film.

 

Here in Oxford, kids like to spend time at movies, stores, restaurants and bowling alleys.  One young lady told me how she was at the mall with a couple of friends and they began playing around with a small, beanbag ball in a sporting store.  One of them kicked it and accidentally hit a young child in a nearby store.  The child’s mother became enraged, although the child wasn’t seriously hurt.  Mall security took the older kids and called their parents. That incident shows how quickly and easily youngsters can get into trouble when they’re not under the watchful eyes of their parents.   

 

So what should parents do when their child wants to go to the mall or movies alone?  First, ask yourself if you would feel comfortable leaving your child at home unsupervised.  If so, then have a frank discussion with your child about your expectations when he or she is out alone.  Talk about how far the location is from home, the type of surroundings, and how long they will be there.  If your child can have an open and comfortable conversation with you, chances are he or she is trustworthy.  The kid who can’t have the conversation and has no clue what you’re concerned about will be more vulnerable. 

 

Another solution is to take your child to the mall and remain there.  Establish check-in times where you’re in touch by cell phone or in person.  Parents may choose to go to the theater when the movie is getting out.  It’s okay to tell your child you’re going to check up on them.  That’s a part of building trust.  A lot of parents feel it’s not right to do that unless the child has done wrong in the past.  But actually it’s just a way of saying, “I’m going to pay attention to what you’re doing.”

 

Believe it or not, kids do look to us for direction. Children are naïve and have no idea what kinds of things can happen.  I’ve encountered many youths who say, “I wish my parents would have told me no” or “I wish they would’ve checked on me.”  Kids inherently trust us to put them in situations that are safe.  If they ask us and we say yes, then we are responsible for assuring them this is an acceptable thing to do. So remember, it’s okay to say “NO” if it’s in the best interest of your child.

 

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Crossroads for Youth provides troubled children a supportive, positive environment in which they learn how to succeed in life. The organization teaches them self-discipline, responsibility and respect by offering a range of experiences. All of CFY’s programs incorporate academics, vocational training, individual and family counseling, community service and adventure therapy, as well as aftercare.

For more information about Crossroads for Youth contact our Director of Development and Agency Relations at 248-628-2561, email us at info@crossroadsforyouth.org or visit our Web site at www.crossroadsforyouth.org.

 

 

 

 

 

Create Lasting Memories for Families

Spring is such a beautiful season in Michigan.  Are you taking advantage of this great time of the year?  The warm weather and sunny skies offer a number of opportunities to create lasting and fun memories for children and families.

 

There are numerous things today that compete for children’s attention. Television, computers, iPods, video games, cell phones, MP3 players and a host of other electronic gadgets keep kids entertained for hours at a time.  It’s wonderful that children and teenagers can experience the latest in technology, but let’s not forget about experiencing the beauty of nature.  I’m referring to the simple things in life.  When was the last time your family took a walk?  Visited a neighbor’s home for a backyard cookout?  Tossed a Frisbee in the park?   We tend to overlook these simple, but meaningful activities that generate interaction and stimulate the mind and body.  And that’s something people of all ages need!

 

Research shows that children are spending less time playing outside and it is affecting their weight and overall development.  Children should have outdoor activities in their daily routine for better health, a good social life and just plain fun.  It also sets the foundation for children to become active, fit adults.

 

During a recent spring storm, our neighborhood lost power.  We had no air conditioning, TV or computer.  After the rain stopped, everyone headed outside ─ adults, kids, dogs ─ to talk and play.  Similarly, the massive electricity blackout that paralyzed Michigan, Ohio, much of the Northeast and Ontario, Canada in August 2003 produced positive stories about residents coming together to hold neighborhood barbecues to prevent food from spoiling.  Although these activities occurred as a result of something we had no control over, lasting memories were still created.  Much like the special moments adults recall from childhood.  Remember when you used to sit on the porch enjoying a cold Popsicle?  Or when your family went camping or attended the annual Fourth of July fireworks display in your community?  Chances are you remember and cherish these moments and interaction with family and friends more than the material gifts or toys you received during the holidays and on other special occasions.

 

Get up and go outside.  Walking, canoeing, swimming and other outdoor activities are fun for kids and adults alike.  It promotes good physical and mental health and builds relationships.  Make the most of Michigan’s great springs and create memories for young people at the same time.  Besides, there will be plenty of time to stay inside and play with all of the latest technology toys when winter arrives in about eight more months.

 

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Crossroads for Youth provides troubled children a supportive, positive environment in which they learn how to succeed in life. The organization teaches them self-discipline, responsibility and respect by offering a range of experiences. All of CFY’s programs incorporate academics, vocational training, individual and family counseling, community service and adventure therapy, as well as aftercare.

For more information about Crossroads for Youth contact our Director of Development and Agency Relations at 248-628-2561, email us at info@crossroadsforyouth.org or visit our Web site at www.crossroadsforyouth.org.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Winning the Race

Sports are a huge part of American culture.  In a world of highly-paid athletes and sold-out arenas, everyone wants to be associated with a winning team.  But there’s more to sports than just competition.  There are many benefits, especially for children and youth.

 

16-year-old “Jeremy” is a very independent young man who has come a long way academically and personally.  He will soon enter his senior year of high school and has made some great strides over the past year.  Jeremy is an up-and-coming athlete who earned a varsity track letter and received a school award recognizing overall athletic ability.  

 

Sports and team involvement brought Jeremy a long way.  He started out with modest athletic skills and was struggling with his grades, but he ended up developing character, confidence and a good work ethic.  Jeremy learned that just having some athletic talent wasn’t enough.  He had to grow in other ways.  He showed up for practice every day, followed his coach’s instructions, and did what was asked of him ─ all with a smile on his face.  His success began to carry over into the classroom as well.

 

Educators agree that extracurricular activities help young people grow.  Sports, in particular, help kids excel mentally and stay healthy.  As in the case of Jeremy, team sports can help build a child’s self-esteem.  The encouragement and respect young people give and receive from their peers and adults help them feel better about themselves. Being on a sports team can teach a child about commitment and the benefits of hard work.  Studies show that substance abuse is less common among teenagers who are active in sports.  Additionally, children who play sports often work harder in the classroom.

 

We shouldn’t just shower our attention on young people who already are athletic and academic standouts.  Yes, they still need and should receive our positive reinforcement and emotional support.  But some children haven’t learned to make the most of their skills.  They need that extra push to achieve their own level of success.  We can help them develop their own strategies for “winning the race.”

 

Jeremy is in the race for the long haul.  His sports involvement provided just the motivation he needed to apply himself in the future.  His plans, by the way, include going to college and pursuing a career as an athletic trainer.  That’s what I call a true winner. 

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Crossroads for Youth provides troubled children a supportive, positive environment in which they learn how to succeed in life. The organization teaches them self-discipline, responsibility and respect by offering a range of experiences. All of CFY’s programs incorporate academics, vocational training, individual and family counseling, community service and adventure therapy, as well as aftercare.

 For more information about Crossroads for Youth contact our Director of Development and Agency Relations at 248-628-2561, ext. 250, email us at info@crossroadsforyouth.org, or visit our Web site at www.crossroadsforyouth.org.

  

 

A Right Way and a Wrong Way

You’ve heard the saying, “There’s a right way and a wrong way to do everything.”  Sometimes teenagers make the wrong choice, but thankfully many often take the right path.

  

 

17-year-old “Carrie” knows the right way to voice her concerns and ideas about school and work.  She puts them in writing.  Carrie feels she has some good ideas on how things can function better, allowing her to become more productive.

 

 

But Carrie didn’t always use this method.  Like many other kids, she dealt with her emotions and troubles by blaming everyone around her and seeking ways to gain control.  Over time, a change came.  Carrie realized there was a better way to get things done.  And it is having a tremendous impact on her and the adults around her.

 

 

It’s important that we take young people’s ideas into consideration and emphasize their contributions rather than always call attention to their problems.  Research has shown that youth benefit from their relationships with adults when they are seen and treated as competent individuals who are able to contribute to important decisions that impact themselves and others.  It results in decreased at-risk behaviors, stronger communications skills and leadership experience, and improved self-esteem.

 

 

 

Carrie was able to make things happen ─ including getting a wage increase ─ thanks to her compelling writing and interesting viewpoints.  Perhaps no one was more stunned than Carrie.  It meant so much to her to be treated with respect and to feel as though she had something to contribute.  It made her feel very important.

   

 

You never know what is going to make an impact on a young person.  Carrie discovered that if she presented herself appropriately, instead of letting loose with anger or violence, someone really will listen.  Young people need to know that when they do something the right way, it will have positive results.

 

 

Research shows that an adult can make a tremendous difference in the life of a child.  And it doesn’t take much to make an impact.  Sometimes it’s just an incidental interaction.  Sometimes it’s just a vote of confidence.  Or sometimes it’s just listening to a fresh new idea or perspective.  If we treat kids with respect and they really feel like they’re being heard, it will have a huge impact. No, it doesn’t mean we have to give them everything they want, but we can be welcoming to their thoughts and contributions.

 

 

 

Never underestimate the significant impact you can have on a young person and that a young person can have on you.  They’ll show their appreciation in ways you could never image.

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Crossroads for Youth provides troubled children a supportive, positive environment in which they learn how to succeed in life. The organization teaches them self-discipline, responsibility and respect by offering a range of experiences. All of CFY’s programs incorporate academics, vocational training, individual and family counseling, community service and adventure therapy, as well as aftercare.

For more information about Crossroads for Youth contact our Director of Development and Agency Relations at 248-628-2561, ext. 250, email us at info@crossroadsforyouth.org or visit our Web site at www.crossroadsforyouth.org.

 

Teach Kids to Use Their Brains and Not Their Fists

This is the story of two teenagers. “Bill” is 14. “Ted” is 15. Both had similar life experiences. Both dealt with rejection and death in their families. Both felt victimized in a number of ways. Their experiences left both feeling hypersensitive and vulnerable. Both happened to be at the same place at the same time.

Bill was talking on the phone, while Ted was sitting near by. Ted was doing the slow boil, frustrated at how noisy Bill was, yucking it up with his buddy on the phone. Finally, Ted yelled at Bill and told him to go somewhere else to talk. Bill told Ted to back off; he can do anything he wants. He added that at least he had friends to talk to. Seconds later, Ted threw a punch at Bill.

Then adults had to get involved. Why would Ted hit Bill over a loud phone call? Ted’s answer: I couldn’t help it – it was just an instinct that took over.

Well, we all have instincts, but we also have brains. When we don’t use our brains in response to conflict or other situations, we may have a problem with “impulse control.” Everyone has triggers or hot buttons that can be pushed, leading to irrational actions or responses. For one it might be something a spouse says or does; for another it could be confrontation with authority.

All of us need to take three basic steps when dealing with these kinds of conflict issues:

1)  Look at the other person not as a problem – but as a real person;

2)  Keeping the other person in mind, try to look at what’s really going on and a  way to reduce or stop the problem; and

3)  Don’t make choices that create new problems (punching Bill didn’t solve anything – it just created a bigger problem)

Each of us has to learn to think through our responses before making them. The challenge is that we’ve entered into a proliferation of what is called “zero tolerance” environments not only in the classroom, but also at home. We live in a world that can be volatile and dangerous, necessitating these strict rules and consequences. Unfortunately, this approach can also reduce one’s ability to learn alternatives to inappropriate behavior.

Now don’t get me wrong: Ted’s assault on Bill mandates a strong response. But I think the incident may have been in part a culmination of many years of “zero problem” supervision. Parents and other adults can sometimes be so problem-averse that they don’t allow youths to learn and take reasonable risks. Many times I see youths making bad decisions primarily because they’ve never been given the opportunity to make meaningful decisions in the first place.

The challenge is where to draw the line. Allowing too much risk can be dangerous and reckless; but allowing too little risk can lead to the same kinds of problems. We adults can help by taking advantage of every opportunity to not just set limits but to also talk about everyday events and how to manage conflict and frustration. Ted and Bill, with some help from the adults, were able to work things out. Hopefully next time they’ll think before acting.

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Crossroads for Youth provides troubled children a supportive, positive environment in which they learn how to succeed in life. The organization teaches them self-discipline, responsibility and respect by offering a range of experiences. All of CFY’s programs incorporate academics, vocational training, individual and family counseling, community service and adventure therapy, as well as aftercare.

For more information about Crossroads for Youth contact our Director of Development and Agency Relations at 248-628-2561, ext. 250, email us at info@crossroadsforyouth.org or visit our Web site at www.crossroadsforyouth.org.

Crossroads

Every parent agonizes over the trials and tribulations of his or her children, especially when a child is going down the wrong road – a road that could lead to a dead end. Parents worry that their voices aren’t heard by their kids. After all, youths often find it difficult to communicate what they’re feeling and what they’re hearing – especially to parents and other adults. It can be even tougher to talk when they’re playing with fire.

It’s no different when you have an organization that is designed to help youths get back on the right path. I’ve often worried about what happens when youths leave my organization – and so do many of our trained staff. A few years ago a teenager – let’s call him John - entered one of our programs after he assaulted another high school student. The young man was flirting with John’s girlfriend, so John smashed him in the head while in their Detroit-area high school. Before that incident, John had a discipline record at his school and had built a reputation as a troublemaker. The victim’s family pressed charges – and now John the Trouble Maker faced the real possibility of becoming John the Convicted Felon. Fortunately, the court gave John one last chance. He came to Crossroads for Youth to reconnect to the basics.

Parents with troubled kids often don’t fit the stereotype – that of a troubled, broken home with a distracted parent, perhaps preoccupied with illegal activity. No, John came from an in tact, loving, well-off family with deep religious roots. After John entered our program we quickly got to the root of the problem: John wouldn’t take responsibility for his actions – and Mom, embarrassed by the allegations against her son, wouldn’t take responsibility either. Mom was often disruptive and accusatory, insisting he didn’t belong in treatment – yet we treated her with all the respect any parent deserves. And John still persevered in completing a peer-based program that we all hoped would teach him a few things:

1. Never give up on yourself and your ability to change.
2. Always hold yourself accountable for your own actions, being honest with yourself about your behavior and the ramifications of bad decisions.
3. Personal accomplishment is not a dream, but can be a reality with commitment and self-discipline.

It’s hard to know what happens years later with many of our “students” – and I wondered how John would fare back in the community. Three years later, John walked into my office, unannounced. He finished high school successfully. He kept out of trouble. He completed vocational training with an 18-wheel semi driver license. He saw his future optimistically. The darkness had passed. And he just wanted to say “thank you” for giving him the courage to change – words that make me – and many parents – realize that despite short term appearances to the contrary, we really are heard.

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Crossroads for Youth provides troubled children a supportive, positive environment in which they learn how to succeed in life. The organization teaches them self-discipline, responsibility and respect by offering a range of experiences. All of CFY’s programs incorporate academics, vocational training, individual and family counseling, community service and adventure therapy, as well as aftercare.

For more information about Crossroads for Youth contact our Director of Development and Agency Relations at 248-628-2561, ext. 250, email us at info@crossroadsforyouth.org or visit our Web site at www.crossroadsforyouth.org.